Today I felt like I was suffocating on air.
School was alright, I guess. I woke up early to get on NaNo, so that put me in a good mood. All my homework was done, I was prepared, I didn’t forget my lanyard, my lunch had a cookie in it. Didn’t get an excessive amount of homework and during lunch I spent the entire time talking to a fellow nerdfighter about November. Worked on character profiles all throughout the day, lent my copies of the Hunger Games to everyone, listened to my writing teacher explain what a good character profile is even though I’ve been doing them all year. In Spanish I learned how to say that on weekends I was a zombie slayer. We had a fire drill so I missed a chunk of class where we would have to present our essay drafts, and overall it was just an average school day.
But it wasn’t really…. satisfying. I don’t know what I was expecting–a sense of fulfillment that I survived a typical day at my idiotic school? A sudden feeling that I was doing something to make a difference, just by watching the world go by? Some award that gave me license to nap during Geometry and forgo all my homework?
So I didn’t understand why I was feeling so contained, restrained, hateful, angsty, really, about my life, until I had to walk my chocolate lab around the block. I’m not sure if it was the cool night air, or just being outdoors, or taking a break from the source of the infuriation, but I realized the root of my discontentment.
I guess lately I’ve been living in a sort of haze. Like a character who’s lived the same way for so long and suddenly has an immediate epiphany that their life isn’t how they want it.
I’ve been living lately in this sort of cloud of things that don’t really matter– Grades, guys, friend drama, sibling irk-tation, my social recluseness.
Now, taken on its own, each of these is important. Yeah, you want good grades. Yes, love is valuable and magical and whatever. Friends are precious.
But in the big picture? I’m not talking just my life here…. I mean the Big picture. Like, God’s plan for the universe.
And where does sibling irk-tation fit in there? Really, nothing that’s been such a big deal in my life lately is, in reality, such a big deal. I can’t exactly just give up my friends and grades, but today I realized that some things need to have less significance than what I was giving them, and some things deserve more.
What would affect the universe as a whole? Well, my faith might not totally affect the entire world, but my fate (heaven vs hell) is pretty important to me in the long run. My writing…. I’m not going to get overly optimistic here, but writing influences people and ideas. I’ve been influenced by so many books it isn’t funny. And my life goal is to influence people for the Gospel through my writing. The faith of my friends, family, and even random strangers. That’s definitely effective.
So, as for Aloha, she’s putting less of her life into the things she previously thought were important and deciding to make a real difference–a Kingdom difference.
She knows that as long as she lives on Earth, she can never truly breathe. Third World air provides oxygen for the physical body, but it can never satisfy the thirst of the soul. And this suffocation is just part of living here.
Being a teenager, I can contribute part of my angst to hormones and mood-swings, which I have a lot. But now I realize that sometimes God even has a use for our hormones. He uses it to fuel His heavenly fire in us–to inspire passion and Kingdom angst in teenagers. Now, while we have the energy and relative time to actually do something about it. Before we get all sensible and realistic like adults.
So, having written all this down and come to face the facts, I’m at peace with myself.
I may be breathing stale air, but at least I have the promise of future freshness.