Sarcasm for Dummies

(This is a letter to all those at my school that don’t understand the concepts of sarcasm and irony. Not my faithful and brilliant blog readers. FYI.)

Hello, fellow students with whom I am forced to associate,

Let me start off by saying that my life has vastly improved since we got off of school for Christmas break. Being allowed a few days without technical social interaction to clear my thoughts has done wonders for my sanity. (Well, not really. But we can pretend so.)

That being said, I have a few words for you.

Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Just kidding. I guess, being the reading-is-for-nerds social geniuses you are, that means nothing to you.

Moving on, I’d like to address some things in our day-to-day limited interactions that have confused or offended you.

I use sarcasm. I apologize if you don’t understand the concept, but let me try to explain. When someone says something out-of-character (like, “Oh, yeah, it IS terrible you missed that big socialite party; What a shame, you could have totally hooked up with what’s-his-face”), the response is NOT “I totally, like, know, like, right?”.

Sigh.

I would like to put it out there that I was never invited to the aforementioned socialite party. I don’t even know half the popular kids that would be there. And I honest-to-goodness don’t care about it. Take your woes somewhere else, kid. If the only person you can rant to is some geek working on a novel, that should tell you something about what you’re saying.

That maybe nobody really wants to hear it.

That being said, I truly am flattered that for once you actually realized I was sitting there. Maybe you should try it when you’re running nerds over in the hall as well, hmm?

Oh, I’m just kidding. I enjoy your Converse prints on my lunchbox!

If you can detect that, we’re making progress. Moving on.

Another thing you may not understand at this point is that I have a very dry sense of humor. So dry that sometimes adults don’t understand it. It’s also very… dark. I’d like to apologize for the time I made that zombie-apocalypse joke during lunch.

How was I to know you didn’t think the concept of eating brains was humorous?

In fact, I’d think you could actually only be offended if you had one.

….Example number two. I apologize again. You make it too easy.

Continuing, I would also like to point out that you read my character wrong. Most of you assume I’m a quiet person. I’m really not. Give me a blog or a notebook and I’ll write out the pages. Give me a fellow nerd-friend and I can talk the entire night about books and Stargate episodes.

Those of you who bother to get to know me better think I’m actually a very social, active, brilliant person. I’m not that, either. I enjoy the presence of my family and a few good friends (you know who you are). When it comes to the rest of the population, I’m sorry to say that I’m not a socially-active person, or even aspire to become one. I don’t like calling for pizza, even.

So it’s great you can order it online now, no?

I suppose if I’ve told you what I’m NOT, then you’re wondering what I AM.

I don’t quite know, myself. A few of my very, very good friends (and a couple of family members) have a better idea of who I am than I do.

And to the one person who thinks I’m a condescending jerk, well, I’ll be the first to say that you’re partially right.

The one thing that everyone I encounter seems to have right is that I enjoy science fiction novels.

Also, you think those clothes make the opposite gender immediately attracted to you. Well, I submit to you that they just make people lust after you. You wear things to get lust, you will attract lusty people. Nothing can ever end well that begins with short shorts.

I look forward to enjoying the rest of this long and fruitful school experience with you, my peers.

Sincerely,

The nerd with the outline of your Converse in her sandwich

*end rant*

About Aloha

A teen writer and future world ruler. Llamas make me happy.
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11 Responses to Sarcasm for Dummies

  1. Jess (Denim) says:

    OMGS!!!!! Your blog… it.. it’s SNOWING!!!!! :O

  2. Nia says:

    Oh my gosh… *Gasps for air* That is so… Gosh… xD

  3. Mercy says:

    Again and again, there’s more proof that we’re twins. 🙂
    The pizza guy can be very scary, I agree. Why, I even get nervous near innocent cashiers and end up throwing wallets at them sometimes! (… tell you later.)
    Anyway, after you finish the feast, Dumbledore must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death.

  4. Although that was terrifically amusing it was also sadly, completely and depressingly true. I loved that it made me laugh and I love that it spoke the truth. I’ve not always been the short, quiet kid in the corner but I am now. I also have a well developed sense of sarcasm… which I swear I inherited from my parents. To sum it up, this was an amazing post and I can totally relate. I loved, loved, loved, it. You know, like, totally? XD

  5. Olivia says:

    “I don’t like calling for pizza, even.

    So it’s great you can order it online now, no?”

    This is a truth.

    “And to the one person who thinks I’m a condescending jerk, well, I’ll be the first to say that you’re partially right.”

    This is NOT a truth.

    “Also, you think those clothes make the opposite gender immediately attracted to you. Well, I submit to you that they just make people lust after you. You wear things to get lust, you will attract lusty people. Nothing can ever end well that begins with short shorts.”

    This is also sadly true.

    All in all, I love this post. I love all your posts. I’ve been a lurker for a while now, and decided I’d finally get around to telling you how much I love your blog. And the snow. Snow + chocolate milk + llamas + horse-loverness + insanity + nerdiness = epic beyond comprehension.

    (I’m PonyTales from NaNo, by the way. :D)

  6. Pingback: Popular Crowd Incorporated | Embracing Insanity

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  8. Michelle says:

    I like. TOTALLY understand where you’re coming from. Let me give you an example . . . you can take evry sentences as utter sarcasm/crap (delete as appropriate)
    Me: I don’t get sarcasm
    Innocent Bystander: Hmm? Good for you. I don’t either.
    M: I bet you don’t. I’d say for instance, that you do not engage intulectually with people who spend five minutes of their forty five minute lunch eating and the remainder mooching around looking to see if there is anymore books that they could possibly take to class out of their locker, and quite a bit of it practially inside their locker reading the lastest Terry Pratchett book*
    I:Nope. You know you really freak me out somtimes, you know that?**
    M: No, why would I freak you out?
    ****************resumes reading Snuff by Terry Pratchet for the eight time********************
    *I love Snuff and Sameul Vimes, Duke of Anpk-Morpork
    **Everything sarcastic except that sentence, that is.

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