The Horcruxes of Aloha

Today I was attempting to write a halfway-coherent post about human social habits and how I lack all of them… or something. Instead I got to thinking about horcruxes.

For the Harry Potter impaired, horcruxes are little pieces of your soul that you embed into different objects so even if your body dies, your soul still lives.

Now I’m not saying I would ever advise this in real life. Witchcraft isn’t something to be taken lightly, and it’s certainly not something I promote. But this is all just musings, for fun, based off the books. Don’t take any of this seriously.

Here’s what I think my horcruxes would be, and why they’d never work:

1) Cheesecake. Let’s face it, I’m addicted. You guys may not see so much of it lately (because I haven’t been doing my normal ramble-on posts about life and such), but it’s gotten baaaad. I eat it for breakfast. I write essays on it. I use it as a swear word (yes, it has joined “llama” in that respect).

So it just makes sense that I’d use it as a horcrux. Unfortunately, cheesecake can be eaten. And if horcruxes are destroyed, oops, so is a part of your soul. Which would not be good.

2) My Books. It seems a little bit of me is invested in every book I read and write. The books I read influence me– some drastically (like the Bible or Artemis Fowl). Some I learn from as a writer (like Lemony Snicket’s books or Artemis Fowl). Some I fangirl over for years (like The Hunger Games or Artemis Fowl). Some are just plain amazing (like Artemis Fowl). Same with the books I write… I BECOME my characters, and they become me.

Which isn’t so great when my cast of characters includes a schizophrenic, a guy with dissociative identity disorder, a pyromaniac, someone with severe memory loss, and a sadist sociopathic antagonist.

At any rate, I’d probably use my books (read and written) as horcruxes. Which would be way too obvious, as if someone wanted to destroy my horcruxes, the first thing they would do is burn down my room (or cover it with Ballisk poison or something? Since fire wouldn’t destroy a horcrux.)

Y’know what, I probably should stop planning how someone would destroy my house had I created horcruxes and supposedly placed them within. Because whatever fancypants protagonist hotrod decided to come in and check out my blog for clues, that might help them out.

Speaking of my blog (and moving off this topic)….

(SISTER’S EDIT: Hey, fancypants protagonist hotrod– Check her signed copy of The Atlantis Complex. Also, call me.)

3. My blog. This is me. I am this. And I’d have a tough time creating a horcrux out of the internet. (Although if you could figure out how, that would be AWESOME. Because said fancypants protag hotrod would have to destroy a database system spawning the entire globe and run by an infinite number of people just to do it. And if he DID, he’d upset millions of Facebook users, and a good chuck of the world’s data.)

Try stabbing THAT with the Sword of Gryffindor, fancypants protagonist hotrod. (Okay, dude, seriously, you seem to be popping up a lot in this post, so I must name you. I deem you “Bob”.)

True Aloha originality. (This is why I use name banks for my characters.)

Anyway, this blog wouldn’t work because…. Because I would have no idea how to make a website a horcrux. They didn’t really cover this in the Potter books.

4. My computer. “So obvious, Aloha. Too obvious. They’d destroy it immediately.”

Heck, at least I’d have YouTube until Bob came to stab Codex with a fang or something.

5. My diary. Total clishe. Sorry, I had to. Not that I HAVE a diary, but it would be interesting to see how the whole Tom-Riddle/Ginny thing would play out between me and some helpless peasant.

6. Bob. Because there’s nothing more clishe than making your fancypants protgonist hotrod a horcrux *cough cough*

And I stop at six. Because there’s only so many fragments that your soul can split into, and also I’d prefer to have enough of me to fill my actual body.

This begs the generic “question to be answered in the comments”– What would your horcruxes be, and why wouldn’t they work? Also, do you have a better name for your fancypants protagonist hotrod?

And thus I depart. Until tomorrow, peasants.


About Aloha

A teen writer and future world ruler. Llamas make me happy.
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18 Responses to The Horcruxes of Aloha

  1. My fancypants protagonist hotrod would be named Theve. No idea why, it just popped into my brain. And I’d totally go with the diary thing 😀 I have two complete diaries and one started one never started and a poetry journal so I could totally do that. And I’m with you on the blog! It would be interesting to have a bit of my soul in my blog… literally. Then maybe my iPod or CDs (music freak here!) Or even YouTube… Hm *muses*

    • Aloha says:

      My iPod… That’s brilliant, too!
      The only problem is it’s this tiny 3G Shuffle that’s ancient, hardly works on one of its GOOD days, and I misplace all the time because it’s smaller than my thumb.
      Maybe I’d invest in a nicer iPod before putting my soul into it.
      It’s really great you’re able to keep up on your diaries… I’m still not even halfway through mine =) I’ll write in it consistantly every day for months, and then I’ll forget completely about it for another half a year or so. It’s an on-and-off relationship.
      Usually I prefer to blog, because 1) It’s faster for me to type than write, and 2) It’s good exposure for my writing if I ever want to get published.

      • Yeah… I actually don’t keep up 😛 I used to a lot more but I’ve kind of stopped. What I do is like every three – six months I hurry and write down all that happened in the three – six months. It’s a pain but for some reason I feel the need to put it all down. But yeah I’d probably invest in a better iPod too =) I got a new iPod for Christmas but it’s a used one and I’m planning on buyin an iPod Touch sooner or later.

  2. annanm says:

    Fancypants protagonist hotrod is named Calvin. No questions asked.
    I would probably make horcruxes out of a model horse; (This might work because I have hundreds and just try figuring out which one it is…) a piano; (If equipped with a basilisk fang, would one have to stab the keys individually? Or just lodge it into the wood?); an argyle sock; (same situation as model horses) my honors student medal; (it has Alladin’s lamp on it… How is that academic, again? [I secretly love it for this reason]) and one last horcrux… a trench coat. (I don’t know why. It just feels right.)

    • Aloha says:

      1. Calvin. Brilliant. And his sidekick Hobbes?
      2. Model horse obsession= SAME. I think I counted at least a hundred and sixty, at last count. I have more Stablemates than I know what to do with (and I’ve named every single one). My favorite is probably my Smart Chick Olena Classics model, although it always confused me why his owners would name a horse “Smart Chick” when the horse is… well, male.
      3. Piano is also brilliant. It’s like putting your soul into a CHAIR. Nobody’s gonna screw with your furniture.
      4. Noir FTW. Yes.

      • annanm says:

        Gasp! Smart Chick Olena was my favorite too! I wondered about his name as well, then I looked it up and realized it was because of his breeding. I have no idea how many models I have… enough that I used to do little model horse shows with other 4-Hers. And win them I did. Those were the good days.

      • Aloha says:

        Lucky!! I always wanted to do those, but our Horse project doeesn’t have model shows. (I checked.)
        I still have the archived Young Rider issue where they gave the steps to an “Award-Winning Model Horse Exhibit”.
        …In fact, I’m pretty sure I have every YR issue from 2003-2006. This huuuuge pile in my closet. When I’m supposed to be cleaning my room, I sit down and flip through them.

        I think it’s funny how sometimes breeding overcomes common sense when it comes to names. The best breeding-inspired name I’ve seen? A horse I looked at buying was named Cock-a-Doodle Sparkle, and his parents were named Rooster Crow and Diamond Lady or something.
        Of course, he was this completely-trained 5 y/o reining champion asking $75,000. So I bought a cute little grade mare instead.

  3. Mercy says:

    A Horcrux could be destroyed by fire, if it was cursed fire like the stuff that destroyed Ravenclaw’s tiara. Oh, yes. Harry Potter geek out.
    I would not make a Horcrux. Hallows are the way to go.
    But if I did have to make a Horcrux, it would be a spork. Just take a look at my blog post. And then I might make one out of my school locker, because A) I hate it, so it wouldn’t be suspect, and B) It would probably be kind of hard to sneak a basilisk fang into school to destroy a locker.
    My fancypants protagonist hotrod would of course be named Harry. If I have Horcruxes, then who better to do the job?

    • Aloha says:

      It would totally suck to have your soul condemned to a school locker for the rest of your pitiful existance, no? What if some kid got shoved INSIDE the locker?
      Yes, I agree, Hallows are the way to go. (Elder Wand FTW). But I do agree if you had to Horcrux yourself, a spork would easily fall under the “epic and obscure” category.
      Yeah, but what if Harry was actually as adept as Potter at destroying your Horcruxes? Unless you made HIM a horcrux, too, you’d be screwed. Like You-Know-Who.

  4. christicorbett says:

    I had to laugh at how you use Cheesecake as a swear word….love that! And now I must go and wonder how that and Llama came about as swear words?

    Christi Corbett

    • Aloha says:

      Ah, well, I try not to use such expletives in front of the “normal” people, but…. Well, I guess I was just sick of all the four-letter swear words being used at my school, so I created my own. My family’s used to it, anyway.

      I’ve never been one of the “normal” people.

  5. annanm says:

    Apparently our back and forth has reached the limit of WordPress limited replies, so I’m defying them. (Shhhhh!)
    I have a ton of YR’s as well, and do the exact same thing. Then I get questionable looks and asked whether I’m too old for that now. The answer is NO. I like looking at the pictures.
    *giggle* There are some ridiculous horse names. Then you ask what there nicknames are, and 8 times out of 10, it’s Max. I don’t care what their show name is, their barn name is Max. I’m good with my appy/quarter cross whose breeding is completely unknown, but is a nice western pleasure horse. And her name is Willow. No need for silliness there.

    • Aloha says:

      Yeah, I always lock my door. I don’t actually think anyone in my family knows I still have them– What, do they think I pull those Holiday Treat recipes out of my butt? XD The pictures are nice, too. I actually used to dream of being a YR model…. Submitted to a contest, once, but all I got was this instructional DVD titled How To Clean Your Tack by Clinton Anderson as a consolation prize.
      Willow–that’s a beautiful name. I have a model horse named that… My Peruvian Paso, actually.
      My horse is named Aloha (hence my username/pen name), but we call her Alli.

      (EDIT: To anyone reading this conversation later, I’d like to be clear. The fact that we’re discussing a magazine called Young Rider that you have to read behind closed doors because we like the pictures…. THIS IS A HORSE MAGAZINE. That is all. Thank you.)

      • annanm says:

        Ok, I laughed ridiculously hard at your edit. I guess I never thought of Young Rider being construed as anything other than horses. And you are quite right; those recipe don’t just come out of nowhere. Where do think my horse birthday cake recipe comes from? (also known as “that ginormous horse cookie”)
        Man, you’d think YR would give out better consolation prizes. I never wanted to be one of their equestrian models, but I wanted to be one of their little youth writers that would put in an article every now and then…for a considerable fee. :p
        Oooh, your name makes so much sense now! I had a friend with a big bay warmblood named Aloha, and he was a sweetheart. (Though I always thought Aloha was more suited to a mare…)

      • Aloha says:

        Heh, me either. Until I read back our conversation and realized how it could be taken the wrong way. Just wanted to clarify that this is indeed a blog for all ages.
        XD Nice. I’m lazy and just buy the Manna Pro treats for Alli. I confess I love how they smell just as much as she loves how they taste.
        Indeed. Heck, maybe we’ll still end up working there one day. But I don’t know if I could dumb down horse care enough like they do… comparing my back issues of YR to Equus or Western Horseman, I realize how vastly different they are. Once I was having trouble with new patterns to try. I saw a YR with the cover, “Add Excitement to Your Ride!” I eagerly flipped to the page. Their ‘exciting’ methods? Half-circles, serpentines, and even the “advanced” figure-eight.
        It’s a funny story how my horse got the name. I’d always wanted an (Arabian, but that didn’t work out) grey mare named Mystic Dancer. But two years ago, my parents were going to fly to Hawaii for their anniversary. Instead, they used the money to buy me a horse. So they got to name her =P They chose Aloha… because it’s cute, and because it’s a constant reminder to me how she’s mine only because they forefited their tropical vacation.

        They’ve told me I can send them there with my massive book sales once I’m published. I laughed but didn’t say anything (along the lines of “silly mom and dad, authors aren’t immediately rich!! they live off ramen!”) because we were on the way to the barn, and that just wasn’t the right time to bring it up.

  6. Nia says:

    Just saw this, because Blogger’s feed didn’t tell me it existed. Shame on you, Blogger.

    DISCLAIMER: I would never actually split my soul into pieces. Just so y’all know.

    My horcruxes would be…

    -My old iPod (a purple shuffle now filled with my 5-year-old sister’s music.)
    -My forensic science book (filled to the brim with highly graphic comics to help teach teens about the awesome power of forensics!)
    -My first diary (a Scooby-Doo notebook with it’s pages full of random rhymes and the troubles of a six-year-old girl.)
    -My favorite doll EVER, Sophie (She’s sitting on a shelf in my room. I freakin’ love her.)
    -My copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Brings back the bestest memories.)

    Just realized how completely destroyable those items are with modern technology. Dangit.

    • Aloha says:

      You forget that a Horcrux cannot be destroyed except for enchanted methods (like Ballisk venom or the Sword of Gryffindor).

      Those are very obscure Horcruxes =P I like your idea of using dolls, books, and journals. Very inconspicuous.

      • Nia says:

        True. And, I mean, that iPod did survive the washing machine… Maybe it already IS a horcrux… *o*

        Obscurity is why I’m still alive. <– Obscure statement. Hahahaha.

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