Today I was attempting to write a halfway-coherent post about human social habits and how I lack all of them… or something. Instead I got to thinking about horcruxes.
For the Harry Potter impaired, horcruxes are little pieces of your soul that you embed into different objects so even if your body dies, your soul still lives.
Now I’m not saying I would ever advise this in real life. Witchcraft isn’t something to be taken lightly, and it’s certainly not something I promote. But this is all just musings, for fun, based off the books. Don’t take any of this seriously.
Here’s what I think my horcruxes would be, and why they’d never work:
1) Cheesecake. Let’s face it, I’m addicted. You guys may not see so much of it lately (because I haven’t been doing my normal ramble-on posts about life and such), but it’s gotten baaaad. I eat it for breakfast. I write essays on it. I use it as a swear word (yes, it has joined “llama” in that respect).
So it just makes sense that I’d use it as a horcrux. Unfortunately, cheesecake can be eaten. And if horcruxes are destroyed, oops, so is a part of your soul. Which would not be good.
2) My Books. It seems a little bit of me is invested in every book I read and write. The books I read influence me– some drastically (like the Bible or Artemis Fowl). Some I learn from as a writer (like Lemony Snicket’s books or Artemis Fowl). Some I fangirl over for years (like The Hunger Games or Artemis Fowl). Some are just plain amazing (like Artemis Fowl). Same with the books I write… I BECOME my characters, and they become me.
Which isn’t so great when my cast of characters includes a schizophrenic, a guy with dissociative identity disorder, a pyromaniac, someone with severe memory loss, and a sadist sociopathic antagonist.
At any rate, I’d probably use my books (read and written) as horcruxes. Which would be way too obvious, as if someone wanted to destroy my horcruxes, the first thing they would do is burn down my room (or cover it with Ballisk poison or something? Since fire wouldn’t destroy a horcrux.)
Y’know what, I probably should stop planning how someone would destroy my house had I created horcruxes and supposedly placed them within. Because whatever fancypants protagonist hotrod decided to come in and check out my blog for clues, that might help them out.
Speaking of my blog (and moving off this topic)….
(SISTER’S EDIT: Hey, fancypants protagonist hotrod– Check her signed copy of The Atlantis Complex. Also, call me.)
3. My blog. This is me. I am this. And I’d have a tough time creating a horcrux out of the internet. (Although if you could figure out how, that would be AWESOME. Because said fancypants protag hotrod would have to destroy a database system spawning the entire globe and run by an infinite number of people just to do it. And if he DID, he’d upset millions of Facebook users, and a good chuck of the world’s data.)
Try stabbing THAT with the Sword of Gryffindor, fancypants protagonist hotrod. (Okay, dude, seriously, you seem to be popping up a lot in this post, so I must name you. I deem you “Bob”.)
True Aloha originality. (This is why I use name banks for my characters.)
Anyway, this blog wouldn’t work because…. Because I would have no idea how to make a website a horcrux. They didn’t really cover this in the Potter books.
4. My computer. “So obvious, Aloha. Too obvious. They’d destroy it immediately.”
Heck, at least I’d have YouTube until Bob came to stab Codex with a fang or something.
5. My diary. Total clishe. Sorry, I had to. Not that I HAVE a diary, but it would be interesting to see how the whole Tom-Riddle/Ginny thing would play out between me and some helpless peasant.
6. Bob. Because there’s nothing more clishe than making your fancypants protgonist hotrod a horcrux *cough cough*
And I stop at six. Because there’s only so many fragments that your soul can split into, and also I’d prefer to have enough of me to fill my actual body.
This begs the generic “question to be answered in the comments”– What would your horcruxes be, and why wouldn’t they work? Also, do you have a better name for your fancypants protagonist hotrod?
And thus I depart. Until tomorrow, peasants.