Assorted Chuck Norris Jokes

Yeah, I’m taking a day off from the schedule because my sister just got me a poster full of Chuck Norris jokes, and I figured I might as well share them here.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beat paper. But Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

When you say “nobody’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

There’s no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris was an only child…. Eventually.

Chuck Norris supplements his already-substantial income by selling his beard trimmings to the local police department to be used as bulletproof vests.

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday is just another year added to his existance. Which sucks for you.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris has never won the Academy award for acting…. because he’s not acting.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death.

There’s an order to the universe: Space, time, Chuck Norris. Just kidding– Chuck Norris is first.

We don’t know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He’s never had one.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double during crying scenes.

Chuck Norris’ smile once brought a puppy back to life.

Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the Richter scale.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerkey.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendents are known today as giraffes.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe. He holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

About Aloha

A teen writer and future world ruler. Llamas make me happy.
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12 Responses to Assorted Chuck Norris Jokes

  1. BushMaid says:

    <em}"Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe. He holds air hostage."

    *rolling on floor laughing* I will never think of breathing the same way again! 😀

  2. Seashell says:

    Love the giraffes! Now I know where they came from. You made me laugh so much I think you deserve a Versatile Blogger Award! Congrats!

    http://seashellbytheseashore.wordpress.com/2011/03/29/my-first-award/

    ~ Shell

  3. Aikka says:

    Humm…. is it you? ^_^”

    i never thought about saving adress of your journal and now i can’t see your profile XD

    Hope i wasn’t the reason? O.o””

    ksiazeAikka from DA

  4. haha! I love all of these. My brother quotes them to me almost daily. He’s a serious Chuck Norris obsessor.

  5. melsar93 says:

    On our recent road trip the question was asked – Who would win in a fight Zombies or Unicorns? After much debating my teenage daughter chimed in with the answer we should have known all along – Chuck Norris.

  6. kikiann11 says:

    Those are aweome. I knew a few, but most were new. Thanks!
    Here’s my favorite: “If Chuck Norris stares at you for long enough, he will kill you with his mind bullets.”

  7. Mercy says:

    When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world down.
    There’s no such thing as global warming, Chuck Norris just got cold so he turned up the heat of the Sun.
    Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
    ^All from Girl Scout camp.

  8. Mercy says:

    Oh, just so you know, you won a comment contest on my blog. How do you do it? You’ve won almost every single one on Faith’s blog!

  9. Nia says:

    I used the beef jerky one before you posted it. My best friend didn’t get it. XD
    To add to your list:

    Chuck Norris fries ants with a magnifying glass. At night.

  10. Some mighty fine Norris Chuckles there– thanks!

    And good luck to you and your family in working thru whatever issues you face. May God bless you and help you find the right path.

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