My beautiful sister Hope agreed to share an excerpt from her new book, 1001 Ways to Wear a Bedspread In Public, with you guys. It’s being published by Harpercollins next month, so keep an eye out for it. Full color! 1340 pages, with an introduction by Chuck Norris.
“One of the most enthralling nonfiction reads of the year. Hope has certainly done it again!” –Booklist, starred review.
“I will never look at a blanket the same way again. Don’t leave home without this book.” –ALA, four stars.
“Actually…. it was decent. It was quite decent. Honestly, it surprised me.” –Simon Cowell, speechless.
Without further ado, here’s a bit of Chapter 11: Uses for Holiday Blankets.
A good collection of Christmas blankets is essential for every social gathering. It can send any number of messages, depending on how you wear it and whether or not it clashes with your outfit. Below is a list of common uses and their subtexts. This is not a definitive guide! Feel free to experiment and find the perfect holiday blanket look for you.
1) The Zombie.
2) The Picnic Blanket
Sometimes, nothing can be more romantic than a quiet evening by the fire. (There’s a fire there, I just didn’t get it in the shot.) But you don’t want to ruin your perfectly good carpet by sitting on it! What’s one to do?
The solution is simple, with this innovative design. Spread it out like so, lay down some food, and enjoy!
3) Sack Races
Rudolph might not have been allowed to participate in any reindeer games, but that shouldn’t stop you! Nothing says “holiday fun” like a little sack race, and nothing says “I’ll pwn you, n00bs!” like using a stylish blanket!
4) A Backdrop for Your Sock Photoshoot
5) A Backdrop for Your Other Sock
6) A Purse
You know those stupid “hobo shoulder bags” that are all saggy and only hold, like, two things? This is approximately 82% more useful. (Or as they’d say in Uglies, which I’m rereading right now, “so much more sense-making!”.) Plus, if you’re planning on kidnapping someone, you can probably get away with it.
7) A Hat
8.) I Don’t Actually Know What This Is
Anyway, it’s cool. And festive.
9) The Classic Blanket
10) The Normal Cloak
11) The Cloak of Invisibility (AVPM style)
Use this to hide from headmasters, Stormtroopers, and everything in between!
12) Lightsaber Shield
13) Egyptian headdress
14) Gift Wrap
15) Punishing Annoying Younger Brothers
16) Taking a Stormtrooper Hostage
17) Holding The Grinch Hostage
18) Hide-and-Seek Pwn
19) A Skirt
Also works if you accidentally rip your pants in public. No one will notice your transition to a gorgeous wrap-around skirt! Reason number 934 that you should keep a blanket in your locker, as stated in Chapter 4.
20) A Miniskirt
21) A Shirt/Bikini Top
22) Stocking Stuffer
23) To April Fool’s Prank Loved Ones
They’ll laugh at your hilarity. Don’t be alarmed if they play along and pretend to get scared– they just don’t want to ruin your joke! The doctor, your boyfriend, and your best friends will be tickled to death.
24) Ghoul Cosplay
I hope you enjoyed this sample! Come back next time for an excerpt of my brother’s new nonfiction read, Bubbles’ 700 Ways to Disguise Yourself Using a Bean-Bag Chair, and don’t forget to buy 1001 Ways to Wear a Bedspread In Public when it’s released in January!
A big thanks to Hope, Bubbles, and my dad for modeling.