My beautiful sister Hope agreed to share an excerpt from her new book, 1001 Ways to Wear a Bedspread In Public, with you guys. It’s being published by Harpercollins next month, so keep an eye out for it. Full color! 1340 pages, with an introduction by Chuck Norris.
“One of the most enthralling nonfiction reads of the year. Hope has certainly done it again!” –Booklist, starred review.
“I will never look at a blanket the same way again. Don’t leave home without this book.” –ALA, four stars.
“Actually…. it was decent. It was quite decent. Honestly, it surprised me.” –Simon Cowell, speechless.
Without further ado, here’s a bit of Chapter 11: Uses for Holiday Blankets.
A good collection of Christmas blankets is essential for every social gathering. It can send any number of messages, depending on how you wear it and whether or not it clashes with your outfit. Below is a list of common uses and their subtexts. This is not a definitive guide! Feel free to experiment and find the perfect holiday blanket look for you.
1) The Zombie.
Still in the Halloween spirit? Or just heralding in 2012 with a bit of pre-apocalyptic fun? This look says, “I’m hungry, and not just for hors d’oeuvres”.
2) The Picnic Blanket
Sometimes, nothing can be more romantic than a quiet evening by the fire. (There’s a fire there, I just didn’t get it in the shot.) But you don’t want to ruin your perfectly good carpet by sitting on it! What’s one to do?
The solution is simple, with this innovative design. Spread it out like so, lay down some food, and enjoy!
3) Sack Races
Rudolph might not have been allowed to participate in any reindeer games, but that shouldn’t stop you! Nothing says “holiday fun” like a little sack race, and nothing says “I’ll pwn you, n00bs!” like using a stylish blanket!
4) A Backdrop for Your Sock Photoshoot
If you own blindingly neon holiday socks, it’s only fair that you should show them off.
5) A Backdrop for Your Other Sock
Let’s be fair here. (Yes, my sister was actually wearing both of these socks at the same time. She wouldn’t be caught dead with matching, or white, socks.)
6) A Purse
You know those stupid “hobo shoulder bags” that are all saggy and only hold, like, two things? This is approximately 82% more useful. (Or as they’d say in Uglies, which I’m rereading right now, “so much more sense-making!”.) Plus, if you’re planning on kidnapping someone, you can probably get away with it.
7) A Hat
Be the envy of all your friends.
8.) I Don’t Actually Know What This Is
At the time of photographing, it was brilliant. Now I don’t know exactly what it’s supposed to mean.
Anyway, it’s cool. And festive.
9) The Classic Blanket
Take the Snuggie to a new level. Eliminate the sleeves and actually wrap it all the way around yourself. IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
10) The Normal Cloak
She vants to drink your blood.
11) The Cloak of Invisibility (AVPM style)
You know what I’d give that Aloha? No more than an 8.5. No, okay, maybe a 9, but NO MORE than a 9.8. Everyone has room for improvement.
Use this to hide from headmasters, Stormtroopers, and everything in between!
12) Lightsaber Shield
In case #11 is defective.
13) Egyptian headdress
You’d be surprised.
14) Gift Wrap
Instead of throwing it away, the recipient can enjoy another gift in itself! (Not advisable for wrapping chocolates, puppies, or bombs.)
15) Punishing Annoying Younger Brothers
There’s a little boy next to the tree. He wasn’t [severely] harmed in the making of this book excerpt.
16) Taking a Stormtrooper Hostage
If you’re ever wanted by the Empire, you’ll be grateful you kept your blanket with you. It’s like the Star Wars equivalent of the Hitchhiker towel.
17) Holding The Grinch Hostage
I don’t know when we considered this a good idea. But, y’know, maybe his heart shrinks again and they put a bounty on his head. Then you can, like, trade him in for some Who pudding or something.
18) Hide-and-Seek Pwn
Win every time.
19) A Skirt
Also works if you accidentally rip your pants in public. No one will notice your transition to a gorgeous wrap-around skirt! Reason number 934 that you should keep a blanket in your locker, as stated in Chapter 4.
20) A Miniskirt
Do it for Colonel Mustang.
21) A Shirt/Bikini Top
Perfect for school or the pool–the only way to stay absolutely cool! (Note: a Blanket can be used as a substitute for almost every article of clothing. Here, we only demonstrate the basics.)
22) Stocking Stuffer
Literally! (Get it?) Proven to please every child, regardless of what they actually asked for.
23) To April Fool’s Prank Loved Ones
They’ll laugh at your hilarity. Don’t be alarmed if they play along and pretend to get scared– they just don’t want to ruin your joke! The doctor, your boyfriend, and your best friends will be tickled to death.
24) Ghoul Cosplay
For a less “you’re so grounded”-inducing prank. Boo!
Self-conscious about that wart/blemish/little brother stuck to your ankle? Never fear! Just apply a light coat of Blanket and watch the disfigurement disappear.
I hope you enjoyed this sample! Come back next time for an excerpt of my brother’s new nonfiction read, Bubbles’ 700 Ways to Disguise Yourself Using a Bean-Bag Chair, and don’t forget to buy 1001 Ways to Wear a Bedspread In Public when it’s released in January!
A big thanks to Hope, Bubbles, and my dad for modeling.