I Feel a Bit Like Chuck Norris

And no, school today wasn’t that good. But I found a website (courtesy of SquirrelGirl’s deviantArt page, for those who know her) that takes your first name and gender to write things that sound like the punchline of a Norris joke. Here’s the site, and here’s some of mine. (And some sarcastic commentary in parentheses, but what else is new?)

Aloha CAN believe it’s not butter.

Aloha brushes her teeth with barbed wire. (And leaves it in 24/7. It’s called braces.)

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Aloha.”

Aloha’s first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Police label anyone attacking Aloha as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

Aloha can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Aloha doesn’t have blood. She is filled with magma. (Nosebleeds are epic.)

Aloha’s sweat has burned holes in concrete. (She was excused from P.E. class.)

Aloha can create a rock so heavy that even she can’t lift it. And then she lifts it.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Aloha”.

Aloha once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower. (But usually she prefers Siberian tigers under waterfalls. Rinse and repeat.)

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Aloha’s sweat.

Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Aloha. (And for zombie apocalypses…. well, Earth is on their own there. I have my own agenda.)

Aloha can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. (Unless said horse is the four-legged Aloha….. then it’s fair game.)

When Aloha calls 1-900 numbers, she doesnt get charged. She holds up the phone and money falls out.

When Aloha looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Aloha and Aloha.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Aloha was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Not everyone that Aloha is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts. (Stargates are also labeled “escape hatches”.)

Aloha can drown a fish. (With her left thumb.)

Once a cobra bit Aloha’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Aloha has to register every part of her body as a separate lethal weapon. Her spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states. (And don’t even ask about that left thumb.)

.

I want to hear what you get– so try it out and put some in the comments below πŸ˜€

About Aloha

A teen writer and future world ruler. Llamas make me happy.
This entry was posted in Llamas and Rambling, Misc. Posts and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to I Feel a Bit Like Chuck Norris

  1. BushMaid says:

    Bahahahaha! Some of those are hilarious! πŸ˜€

    There are no such things as tornados. Bush just hates trailer parks.
    Bush counted to infinity – twice.
    If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Bush would ever fight herself, she’d win. Period.
    Bush always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
    Bush stared evil in the face, and it backed down.

    πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  2. ZNZ says:

    (Re: Fish Drowning: Wouldn’t taking a fish out of water and letting it die constitute drowning? Because fish live in water and can’t breathe in air?)

    When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “ZNZ”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary. (What would happen if I ordered one?)
    ZNZ brushes her teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. (EW)
    The word ‘Kill’ was invented by ZNZ. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’. (Also, asphyxiate, defenestrate, eudaimonic, and pulchritude.)
    Google won’t search for ZNZ because it knows you don’t find ZNZ, she finds you (and GIVES you her URL!)

    • Aloha says:

      (Well, yes, probably. That’s what makes it funny, is the notion that you could drown a fish in water. Which apparently I can do, despite it being scientifically impossible. Hence the humor.)

      XD Those are awesome ones! Love that.

  3. Allegra says:

    Awesomeness! Doesn’t it just make you feel like…well…Chuck Norris?

    The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Allegra’s fist.
    The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Allegra.” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
    Allegra built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to her door.
    Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Allegra can change the laws of physics. With her fists.
    Simply by pulling on both ends, Allegra can stretch diamonds back into coal.
    On her birthday, Allegra randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
    Allegra doesn’t say “who’s your daddy,” because she knows the answer.
    Allegra sleeps with a pillow under her gun.

    • Aloha says:

      Yep, I guess we’re on the same page then, via the title of this post, LOL.

      Your ones are so funny! My favorite is probably the one about sleeping with a pillow under your gun. Classic.

  4. Tangy says:

    “Aloha’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.
    The active ingredient in Red Bull is Aloha’s sweat.”

    Does that mean that pouring Red Bull on concrete will burn holes in it? I don’t want to think what it would do to you if you drank it…

  5. Pingback: Mrs. Norris | Harvesting Mangoes

  6. Autumn says:

    Thesew are some I got.
    “Sweating bullets” is literally what happens when Autumn gets too hot.
    Autumn was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. She declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.”
    If you gave Autumn a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second she can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
    Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Autumn’s warm-up exercises.
    Very funny post.
    ~
    Autmn

  7. melsar93 says:

    I decided to use my Twitter Handle because that is more interesting.

    If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not GoofyMike.

    GoofyMike sleeps with a night light. Not because GoofyMike is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of GoofyMike.

    GoofyMike and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

  8. Lol, this is hilarious! I got: Faith can slam a revolving door. I now feel epic. World, hear me roar!

  9. hithere298 says:

    hithere298 puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

    • Aloha says:

      Love that XD I hadn’t heard that one before.

      Thanks for stopping by, reading around a bit, and subscribing! Your blog is hilarious.

      • hithere298 says:

        No problem and thanks for the compliment, although I’m still trying to figure things out, like how to get the plug-ins working. I get easily confused when it comes to those things.

      • Aloha says:

        Ah, I completely understand! I don’t know everything on every single component of widgets and plug-ins, but I can try to help you if you want. What don’t you understand?

      • hithere298 says:

        I click the download button and then I dont know what do to after that,

      • Aloha says:

        Okay….? I don’t understand what you’re downloading. The plug-ins, or are you trying to download widgets?

        Here‘s a good tutorial if you’re downloading plug-ins.

  10. hithere298 says:

    oh wow i accidentally made 2 comments at once, well, now it’s three. Sorry about that

  11. Squirrelgirl15 says:

    I LOVE THAT SITE.
    AND you found it on my journal on dA O.O tehee I got linked by a friend (spicymangoz) πŸ˜€

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